‘Allo, ‘Allo

Even if you have never seen an episode from the TV series, you are probably familiar with the often quoted phrase: "Listen very carefully, I shall say 'zis only once!" - used by “Michelle” from the resistance movement every time she wants to issue instructions about her intricate plans.

The listener has a tough job - careful listening, active listening, mindful listening. The act - or art - of listening has been described in many different ways. The speaker would definitely prefer to say it only once! In fact, I had a participant at a team-building retreat who - during an exercise on active listening - felt it was up to the speaker to keep it interesting. She got easily bored.

What I would like to highlight in this space is empathetic listening from Steven Covey’s Seven habits of highly effectively people. Empathetic communication is at the heart of Habit 5: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". 

“We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.”

I first heard about Steven Covey's work at a workshop on personal communication. It was a privilege to be able to participate in a workshop run by one of the top facilitators in the organization. We were only a small band of 5-6 participants due to typical workplace attrition: enrol in the hope of being able to take a course, withdraw when the day comes and workplace reality strikes. So, I was one of the privileged few. What I can still vividly recall is the conversations between the father and son. First, the typical scenario where the father - out of love and good intent - isn't able to get his son's story because he isn't listening. And then the second run-through, where the father is capable of listening empathetically. WOW! That was powerful. Corny some might say. As an American I accept that. I have noted, though, that Covey's work has been translated into 38 languages - an indication that it transcends cultural boundaries. The parent-child interaction described here - i.e. the parent missing the point! - resonates.  

"Oh, I know exactly how you feel!" How often do we say that!? Ironically, we say it - we think - to express sympathy, to demonstrate to the other person that we know where they're coming from. That might work if we stop there and let the other person continue. Then again, it might not. Plus, as Covey also points out, there is an important distinction between empathy and sympathy. By doing that empathetic listening thing, we increase our probability of getting it right. Getting what right for whom? The relationship, the relationship. The "psychological air" that empathetic communication generates, tremendously increases the chances of psychological survival.

Is this just technique? Manipulation? That question was asked at every workshop. The answer that Covey offers is the "character principle" - being true to yourself, having integrity. With that as ballast to create trust, you can't go wrong. Well, maybe some times but not all the time. If you can get it right at least 80% of the time, that would be a true achievement.